Be Careful What You Place Your Faith In
In a previous post, I have discussed how accepting that certain individuals do not care may help you get past the feeling of injustice and focus on the real business in hand which is mourning the loss of a loved one. I must add a caveat at this point that I understand at a visceral emotional level that none of this is easy. The challenge during acute grief is navigating unfamiliar emotional extremes.
As a result, minor annoyances or disappointments can escalate into overwhelming rage or despair, leaving you emotionally exhausted. It's crucial to avoid dwelling on others' negativity, as it can consume your energy and cloud your perspective. The unprocessed grief is giving all your other emotions rocket fuel. You literally are on a rocket ride and unfortunately it never seems to be going to a nice place.
Grief amplified my emotions, leading to unexpected reactions. I found myself in numerous road rage incidents, even leaving my car to confront other drivers – something I had never done before. I was never that brave and/or reckless. Previously, minor traffic disputes wouldn't trigger such anger or disregard for my own safety. This highlighted how grief can distort our responses, making us vulnerable to extreme reactions even in mundane situations. If minor frustrations could escalate so dramatically, imagine the potential impact of more significant breaches of our most important social contracts.
Nihilism in the form of a disregard for your own safety, can offer a temporary escape from grief's pain, but it's a dangerous path. Unchecked, it can lead to complete denial, plunging you into an emotional abyss. Just as humans can't survive in certain physical environments, we can't thrive in prolonged emotional despair.
When Institutions Fail People
One thing that has struck me with people who have suffered a terrible loss is their perceived failure of an institution that had been a mainstay in their life. It seemed to utterly confuse and hurt them so much. It could be their employer, church, education establishment, or a sports social group. Some organisations let them down in the darkest hour and they could not seem to get past it. I think people have a limited number of institutions they are involved with in their lives. It could be their job and their church group. If family or friends shun them, they will find people that will come to the fore and help them. Often, they end up with a small, tighter group of friends (including new friendships) and family that will offer solace and support.
Conversely, someone who has built a career in an institution or is an active member of a religious group and they are shunned by the institution, what are they to do? I do not think starting a brand-new career and finding a new religion at the most difficult period in their lives is a particularly viable solution. Hence, they can become stuck in a very difficult place.
Several years ago, I attended a support group meeting for people who had lost their children. In this same meeting, I heard two different individuals describe how they had been let down by institutions they had devoted their lives to. One had worked as a nurse for all their career and could not understand how their child, who had been ill for some time before their death, was treated by the health system. This was compounded by how the nurse was treated by their employer in the period after their child’s death. The second couple were active members of a Christian church community. Due to the nature of their child’s death, which was suicide, they had felt shunned by their church. I cannot verify the details of these stories people told, but I can attest to the depth of their disappointment which was palpable in the room. They had believed they were part of organisations that have been set up to care. The epitome of good. Unfortunately, they had been given the opposite of what they expected and had been mugged by this reality.
Managing Expectations, Mitigating Hurt
This appeared to be a regular theme in the experiences of most people I have spoken to. It was also reflected in some of my experiences but never to this depth. I had worked full-time for a large state department, and I was also a reservist in the Australian Defence Force (ADF). Fortunately for me, I had little or no faith in my full-time employer to behave appropriately. They did not let me down in this aspect and maybe that is a story for another post. However, the ADF treated me, a “very “part-time employee, with respect and dignity. My expectations had been exceeded and though the ultimate outcome for me was the same, I have no bitterness, rancour, or negativity towards the ADF. This meant I had no extra load to carry. With my full-time employer, I had no real expectations and ultimately, they could not let me down, but they did try their best to do this.
From this, I have some questions that I have yet to answer. I have been working with several bodies over the years to attempt to do this.
What should grieving parents expect from our big institutions?
Are their expectations realistic?
What should big institutions expect from grieving parents?
Are their expectations realistic?
Finding Answers
To find answers to these questions will involve academic research and applying political pressure from interested parties. Both take time and require a willingness from institutions to engage in difficult conversations. I'm not convinced they have never been good at this, particularly when the current climate places a disproportionate emphasis on being seen to be doing the "right thing”. Discovering what the actual "right thing" is just not a priority.
Ultimately, institutions need to recognise the profound impact they can have on individuals experiencing grief. By understanding and managing expectations on both sides, we could possibly minimise some unnecessary hurt and damage