Can Peer-to-Peer Support Groups Help People?
This Substack contains two previous posts with the titles First step on the Ladder and Second Step on the Ladder. They discussed the navigation of the mental health industry for indivdiuals in the workplace dealing with the ramifications of grief. As hopefully the reader knows, this Substack is discussing unexpected, out-of-order deaths of loved ones, such as losing a child. The two articles give a brief overview of who you could expect to meet, particularly if your grief leads to you requiring time off work or engaging with a third party, such as an insurance company or solicitor.
Being able to work in the aftermath of a death does not mean your grief is no less overwhelming or painful. In fact, sometimes work can be the one thing that is stable and secure in a person's life when everything else is collapsing around them. Spending time away from this stable environment could cause more problems than it solves. Of course, there are scenarios where people spend time away from work after the sudden death and return when they feel they can. Conversely, a person may find they can carry on for a few years, but the burden becomes too much, and they are forced to take time away from work. This is, as always, for the individual involved to decide and depends on what their personal circumstances will demand of them.
As we move through life, most of us experience milestones such as marriage, birth of children, divorce, and even personal health scares around the same time as our peer group. This allows us to discuss our trials and tribulations with our social circle as we go through life. The fact that we can share this experience provides some comfort that you are not alone with your troubles and, more importantly, you can seek advice and confide in people you trust. There are certain types of losses that an immediate social circle cannot relate to due to a lack of experience. The idea of shared experience is less applicable to certain life events. Finding empathy and understanding may mean extending beyond this group.
Some tragedies are common
Divorce, a scenario I have never experienced. I have watched family and friends go through this process, and I have always felt somewhat inadequate in my ability to truly empathize, let alone give useful advice. I do not know what it is like to suddenly move from loving someone with whom you have had a family to having deep feelings of animosity. What does it feel like negotiating with yourself on how much you hate or love a person from hour to hour? How do you sign divorce papers when knowing it means this is all over? Thankfully (or not, as the case may be), lots of people have been through difficult breakups and traumatic divorces with all the drama that ensues. This means there is enough common knowledge to allow people to access emotional support within their community and, what's more, real practical advice on what to expect moving forward. Most soon-to-be divorcees can turn to a friend who has been through a similar experience. In recent generations, it is no longer a taboo subject that is frowned upon by the rest of society. What's more, an industry has built up around divorce, with government and legal system involvement attempting to adjudicate a fair outcome for the parties involved. That said, how to deal with any divorce long-term is up to the individuals involved, and from what I've been told, it's never easy.
Peer-to-Peer (P2P) Support Groups
What if you feel like no one in your immediate social support group could understand what you are going through? What happens at a governmental level if your condition or problem has little acknowledgment or support? What do you do?
This is why Peer-to-Peer (P2P) support groups were set up by people who felt they needed to talk to people with similar experiences or challenges to provide each other with emotional, social, and practical assistance. They had a shared lived experience and thus a unique understanding and empathy that they felt would have real value for each other. Often, they may have felt stigmatised for what they were going through and, as a result, felt they could not ask for help. Sometimes, society just did not have the answers to help these people, nor was it interested in finding them. I will discuss society’s relationship with P2P support groups in this companion post.
Can P2P groups help with grief?
Can P2P groups help someone suffering with grief? I think the answer to this question is complex and worth expanding upon. It will depend on the individual and their circumstances. Sometimes, you will be forced to speak to a mental health professional to tick boxes for a bureaucracy and/or sometimes you may wish to see a mental health professional for your own benefit. In these settings, it is a controlled environment and a one-on-one experience. A P2P support group means you will be sharing a space with a group of peers. Often, these groups are not led but loosely guided by volunteers. There is no clearly defined hierarchy in the room, and invariably the volunteers are grieving similar losses. At the end of a session, there will be no real conclusion or milestone setting that may occur with a mental health professional. It is about the sharing and trying to find commonalities in their collective experience.
I have been involved with a P2P support group called The Compassionate Friends Queensland (TCFQ) for several years. I have attended a few gatherings, but I have worked mostly in the background trying to build relationships with universities to conduct research and lobby politicians for more support for grieving parents in the workplace. The “real” volunteers who work there take phone calls on support lines for grieving parents; they organise meetings and large formal gatherings. I will be honest, for me, I find it all too difficult to help my peers in this way. By that, I mean sharing and talking to people I don't know well, trying to support others who are upset in an acute stage of grief. I don't think I have it in me.
In my defense, I recognise the need for such organisations. Many people in TCFQ have told me how simply being able to talk to someone who knew how they felt was extremely helpful. They have also told me that when they first arrived at a meeting and met someone who had lost a child several years ago running the group meeting, it was inspiring. The other people standing in front of them were living proof they could survive their recent tragic loss and start to function again in the world. Sadly, some people do not make it, despite the group's best efforts.
P2P Support Model adapts to circumstances and evolves
In recent months, I have spoken to a man volunteering for an organisation supporting parents who have experienced a stillbirth or a newborn baby death. I have also met a lady who set up a charity after losing her husband very early in their marriage. Both people have suffered greatly and wanted to give back to those who have experienced similar fates. I believe everyone, including myself, is trying to derive some meaning from their suffering and loss. This can take the form of supporting others with similar needs. Within these groups, individuals feel understood and, more importantly, validated by a shared experience. Nobody can accuse others of not undertanding how bad they feel.
As you can see, P2P support groups can be set up for specific circumstances. Sadly, there are enough people in our major cities and towns to form groups for suicide, homicide victims, and young widows. Each of these groups is dealing with different forms of death and its tragic impact on a family. It's clear that there are potentially some very different dimensions to these experiences that individuals can only share in their specific groups.
Other organisations have adapted the P2P model and offer more guidance or structured sessions for people to follow. Other groups have set up training for peers who will then act as mentors for individuals who have just begun the process of grieving. These mentoring support programs still utilise the lived experience of participants.
With the advent of technology such as Zoom, online support and meetings are becoming more commonplace for people who require support in regional areas.
So, can P2P support groups help?
P2P support groups are something to consider if you are becoming isolated from your social group and you want to talk to individuals with lived experience. I would approach them with caution, as people looking for these groups will generally be feeling very vulnerable. You may find a group of peers that you will be with for many years of your life or just go once and never go again. At the very least, you will meet people who will understand more than most what you are experiencing. Finally, if you go to a few sessions and it is not for you, look for something else. Take your wins where you can find them and do not dwell on why something may not work. It literally can be as simple as it just not being for you and no reflection on any of the parties involved.
Ultimately, P2P groups offer a unique space for connection and understanding, especially when navigating the isolating experience of grief. While they may not be for everyone, they can provide solace, validation, and a sense of community during a challenging time. They can also pass on genuine practical advice and may well have access to a network of professional support, such as legal and financial advisors.