Distractions… If Only It Were That Easy

© Iona Murray

My hope is that this Substack will offer something to people who have suffered a terrible loss in their family. Something I have learnt navigating grief is you will require distractions. This begs the question, ‘If I have suffered such a terrible loss, how can I be distracted from it?’ … The answer is initially, you can't for any great length of time. If you do find something that offers the smallest level of distraction, then I believe that you should take it.

In this article, I have tried to expand on the concept of distractions and offer some that have and still do work for me. This is not a prescription, but hopefully, it will allow the reader to think about what may work for them. Perhaps more importantly, it might encourage them to be prepared to try things and not dwell on the failures.

Types of distraction

The word distraction has an unfortunate tone. Maybe the word has been somewhat tarnished or trivialised as it is used more in different contexts. This can happen to words (see Concept Creep). A distraction can be seen as bad. A person who is easily distracted is not taken as seriously as individuals who can ignore outside influences and get on with the matter in hand.

Distractions can be good. I recently distracted myself on a long 16-hour and 40-minute flight by writing two articles for my Substack. Sometimes focusing on a subject, event, or a situation can cause more distress than it perhaps deserves. During these times, distractions can allow a brief respite from the physical or emotional pain we are in. The value of having and knowing that these respites from your suffering exist can never be underestimated.

You need a distraction

In serious circumstances, once the situation has stabilised, you may hear people say, 'You need a distraction,' or 'Doing this activity will serve as a good distraction.' People who have recently come out of a relationship, particularly if they are the person who has been dumped, are often encouraged to go out, join a club or even go on a date as it will be a good distraction.

Often in cases like these, we can see the connection between the activity and the distraction. A person who is no longer in a relationship will need to start socialising again to find another partner. Diverting them from their broken heart to another activity gives them some relief and increases the probability of finding a long-term solution to their problem.

Timing and distractions

The time for distracting ourselves must be selected and sometimes deemed appropriate by wider society. We may find ourselves dealing with very sad circumstances but must focus on them and bear our suffering. It appears that distractions are required more, once the impact of the events has become apparent and the process of calculating outcomes has begun.

Consider an individual who is so upset by losing an elderly parent that they choose to ignore it by not talking about it or changing the subject in the very initial stages after the death. In extreme cases, they will not address the practical issues of funeral arrangements. In these types of scenarios, the distraction is being used to divert them from the harsh realities of their loss. This does not serve anyone in the short or long term.

Shelf Life and Limitations

Finding a distraction that has the capacity to offer a certain level of solace can involve some experimentation and a few false starts. When we are at our lowest ebb, it is difficult to muster the enthusiasm to find a new activity that is challenging enough to occupy our mind whilst not requiring so much effort it becomes an emotional chore. Some distractions will be able to occupy this niche more easily, such as exercise. Whilst others may require some initial investment without the promise of reward. As time progresses, you may find a certain activity can no longer distract you. This may occur due to a lack of novelty.

I have no way of proving this, but I sometimes think that certain activities taken up after a death become associated with the death and acute grieving period. It is important not to think of the activity as the only part of the distraction. Consider the journey to and from the activity, the people you meet there, and all the smells and textures we associate with the entire event of attending. Eventually, your subconscious mind will start to direct you away from all of this. It is probably good to look at certain distractions as having a shelf life and being valuable for a particular stage of your grief.

What has worked for me

Before I expand on what worked for me, I think it is important to caveat what I have to say. Some of us are in the position to have more financial security than others. We all have different personalities and react differently to being in public. Finally, this is just what has worked for me. Only try something if you feel both physically and emotionally capable of doing so.

1. Exercise

Personally, I was in so much emotional pain after losing my son that it really felt physical. I was carrying it around in my body… there was the spectre of pain everywhere. I had been teaching self-defence before my son died, so I had been exposed to different styles of martial arts. I never really enjoyed boxing – the honest reason being I did not have the skills and being hit did not agree with me. I stopped the self-defence classes as I just could not muster the energy to teach people.

A friend ran a throwback, almost arcane boxing gym. By that I mean the boxers who were there trained hard and did not indulge others who did not want to show the same levels of commitment. I went along in the first few months after my son’s death. I think I was not as scared of the physical side as I had been in the past. Plus, the sensation of being hit was distracting from this strange sensation in my body due to the excruciating emotional pain I was in. I learnt to enjoy the boxing and all the aspects of the training. I committed myself to the physical challenge. I was training four nights a week. If I was moving, I wasn't thinking about my loss. When sparring, I was too focused on the moment to feel despair. Perhaps more importantly, I would finish every session exhausted. This took the edge off my neurosis that was not allowing me to sleep.

I eventually trained for a boxing fight in Fortitude Valley in Brisbane. This was an old-style boxing gym that hosted professional fights. Most of the audience appeared to have boxing experience and wanted to see good fights. Previously, I could never have imagined myself enjoying being in such a venue, let alone in the ring. Once I had this fight, it was the peak of boxing’s ability to distract me. The net effect for me had been that I had become much fitter and physically confident. After a sudden loss, the world appears as it really is: a dangerous place. At the time I think I needed to add a layer of protection for myself. These things are hard to explain rationally. I think it is a basic animalistic response to being deeply hurt. My only reason for starting boxing was that it appeared to work at distracting me, but now I had expanded my social circle in ways I could have never imagined.

2. Travel

If you can travel to some interesting places, I would highly recommend this. This travelling can be with your immediate family, by yourself, or with close friends. In the aftermath of our loss, we focused on travelling around various parts of the USA and Canada. I have been to some interesting small towns that I cannot even remember the names of across various US states. Most of the travelling was by car. I think the ability to roam at will somehow was what my mind required. The novelty of the landscape with the ease of no language barrier has allowed me to look back with some fondness on these trips. They were very hard as we were travelling as a family of three and not four. Only with a certain level of reflection can we see that we were able to create some new memories, as the old ones were far too difficult to bear at the time.

I started travelling with a few friends annually, which I had never really done previously, and I have managed to keep this up. You even need time away from your immediate family. You do remind each other of the person you have lost, and you should not feel guilty to acknowledge this. Travelling does increase the probability of distracting yourself through exposure to novel environments.

In recent times, I have had some very pleasant travel experiences in Southeast Asia. If you want novelty, then Japan can certainly provide this in a low-risk and modern environment.

3. Try something very different

If you lose someone very special, you have experienced the real low that life can offer. I do think losing a child is one of life’s most heinous experiences. Most, if not all, parents, if they had to choose, would take the place of their deceased child. We cannot make these deals with the universe. This perspective that is gained through suffering means that life’s other challenges really are not that bad. For example, would trying something new that risks the humiliation of failure really be that bad?

In 2019 I was having quite a rough time. I knew I needed a distraction that was complete and would give me some risk of failure that I could care about. I had always admired stand-up comedians as risk-takers. When you see a Netflix special that is hilarious, the comedian on the stage has probably been developing their trade for at least 10 years. I decided to do a course which culminated in a stand-up spot at a Brisbane comedy club. I needed to commit myself to a process, with a goal that could not simply be completed by attending. I had to write and then learn to perform in front of an audience. It required all my focus at a time when I was finding it hard to focus. The thought of failure was a mild concern but I think I had to artificially bring this ‘fear’ into my life that would put me on the spot. I did the course, prepared and did my bit on the evening. It was an excellent distraction. As for my performance, I would give myself an A for effort and C-minus for attainment. I got through it with a few genuine laughs from the audience.

The downside to this escapade would have been a small level of humiliation and discomfort. The upside was that I did something I had always wanted to try, and in the process, I was distracted and forced to focus on something other than how I was feeling for a few weeks.

The upside of a good distraction

The fact that our brains will not allow us to pay attention to more than one thing at a time is to be embraced in the midst of personal tragedies. If you can allow your mind to attend to something else, it will give you time to lay down your burdens for a brief period. Indulging in these experiences and accepting that relief is temporary, but at least it is relief, will help you get through some very difficult times.

Hopefully, these distractions will lead you to develop new skills, expand your social network, and for a brief period, forget that you have lost someone very close to you. You will have plenty of time to grieve and suffer, so take advantage of these distractions when they appear, no matter how fleetingly they may last.