How Can I Help? How Can I Hinder?

© Iona Murray

Since I have told people I have been writing this Substack it has prompted numerous conversations. Many of them land on the same topic: what is the best way to help individuals who have suffered a loss. Everyone I've spoken to thinks creating resources and support for families in the acute stage of grief is a good idea. But how to do this beyond a general "be kind" theme is not as easy as it appears.

One would expect a good friend or a conscientious mental health professional to want to search out the knowledge that would allow them to support someone in need. These people want to download as much information as they can to create a toolkit that will allow them to be as effective as possible. I did have a conversation with a peer-to-peer (P2P) support volunteer on this subject that took an unsuspected turn. This person had been working with a group of parents who had all lost a child. The exercise involved writing down what and how they wanted to be treated by people in the aftermath of their loss. Here was an audience who should know exactly what they want and need, yet clear answers were not forthcoming. The volunteer running the session commented to the group that if they didn't know the answers, perhaps it was hard to expect people who hadn't suffered such a terrible loss to immediately know how best to support a greiving family.

Everyone would like to be able to communicate what appropriate support looks like, but no one, including the grieving individuals, can provide a detailed map or blueprint to follow. Grief can be overwhelming and confusing, and it can change from moment to moment. This is the challenge in understanding grief; even the grieving individual can become a mystery to themselves.

Talking in front of a group

As I reflected on what the P2P volunteer said I did think that possibly people in the group may have been reluctant or unable to share in a group setting. I am lucky, or unlucky depending on how you view it, that I can think out loud in front of a group. This is sometimes called drafting as you speak. I am literally forming my ideas as I think and talk. Often, I can get 90% of the way to having a reasonable idea. The group I am talking to will edit it with further questions. Eventually, an idea is born with the group acting as the midwife. I do not care that I do not know all the answers, or that what I may say has the potential to cause offense and open myself up to ridicule…all at the same time. Fortunately, not everyone is like me. Some people form ideas in their head and articulate them to others when they are satisfied that they make sense. When they speak this is like final draft ready to be published. These individuals are quite rare to find. Many people in front of a group cannot articulate or are not prepared to risk sharing their thoughts. This is often compounded when they are talking about emotional subjects.

This this does not explain everything

I think this phenomenon describes some of the lack of responses that the P2P volunteer described. However, it is not the whole story. The devil is in the detail. Every family’s loss will be slightly different, and every person is unique. In the initial stages of their loss, their mood swings will be unpredictable and frequent. This means what could be said on a Monday may well not work particularly well on a Tuesday and can cause an emotional outburst on a Wednesday.

I think the good mental health professionals working in this area will have a few basic tools on how to relate to people that allow them to be a little braver in initiating a conversation with a distraught person. They may have had some training in active listening, which involves not just hearing the words, but also paying attention to tone, body language, and unspoken emotions. It means reflecting back what you're hearing to ensure understanding and resisting the urge to offer unsolicited advice. This will often stop them from talking too much and repressing the urge to talk over the grieving person. I accept that this is the best scenario and is not always the case.

People often know what they don’t want

Whether this is what is wanted by the individual who is upset is hard to say. What I think is most likely is that the grieving individual knows what they don't want. Therefore, it may be better to collate what you don’t want people to say so any advice or training given to people attempting to support a grieving family will include a list of do not say this or do not do that. For example, I often hear the complaint that sometimes a person talking to a grieving family may suggest they “"know how they feel.” This is a well-intentioned attempt to empathise but is often not taken this way. People who use to this turn of phrase really do not believe they know exactly how the grieving indivdiual is suffering. I do appreciate from experience that it can be a very annoying and unwelcome way of showing empathy. This is particularly true when child loss is involved.

A better way of being empathetic could come from acknowledging that you don’t know how the person feels, but you can only imagine it must be awful. If this type of phrasing is still causing offence, then maybe the grieving individual is having a bad day. If this pattern continues of offence being taken to every attempt to emphasise then maybe it is better to accept that the grieving individual cannot be helped during this period. Keep your distance and periodically check in with messages until the person feels ready to reengage with you.

It is easy to cause to upset people who are upset

Even people who have lost a child can unwittingly cause offense to fellow grieving families. I have done this recently with a project. Upon reflection I can see why it may have caused offense, but would I have done things differently? The answer is no. I could give a verbal apologia, which is a spoken, reasoned defence of my actions. It would not be an apology seeking forgiveness. I would like the person who is upset to understand why I did what I did with the project but I cannot apologise for something I have not done i.e. being insensitive or not understanding their loss.

I am certain that what I have written in the numerous articles in this Substack that have the potential to cause upset for families who have suffered terrible losses. It is not because I want to do this or that there is a correct or more moral way of writing about grief. It is because very emotional subjects have no correct answer that we can agree upon. It is easier to agree what is probably the obvious wrong way of discussing a subject. An example of this would be to write an article that is totally nihilistic and trying to justify the pointlessness of life. We have all had these feelings and will continue to at various pints in our lives. I think it goes without saying that it does not help anyone and is clearly a self-indulgent exercise.

How can we help

How can we help is such a hard question. Maybe we should be asking, "How can I not hinder?" I think this may get a clearer response. I think other questions we should ask in these scenarios are: "What is my responsibility?" How can I not make this situation any worse than it is? This responsibility comes from both parties. If I am trying to help a person in need, I should listen carefully. As for the person who is grieving, try and tell people who are trying to help what you do not want if you are not sure what you do want. Hopefully over time these supportive relationships will be fortified with enough trust that they can withstand the odd ill thought out remark.