Lived Experience is not an Olympic Competition (Yet)
Many of you reading this will have heard the term lived experience enter common parlance in many facets of your life, particularly in the workplace. But what does it actually mean? Lived experience generally refers to the unique knowledge and understanding that may be gained through personally navigating life's events and challenges. It often provides a subjective and powerful form of knowledge that can be difficult to acquire from books or theories alone. Think of it like this: Many believe that valuing lived experience empowers individuals, acknowledges their expertise, and can contribute to social change by offering real-world perspectives on issues like healthcare, social justice, education, and mental health.
Ideally, this means we create a space where those with firsthand experience can share their wisdom, helping others navigate similar situations. However, reality is rarely that simple. Not all situations are the same and we as individuals have different reactions and thus needs.
A friend of mine once told me about his time in the Army when he was involved in multiple contacts (gun battles) with the enemy. Every member of the group would react slightly differently. More importantly his own internal reactions were very different. Some battles he would feel like a hero, some he felt like a coward, some days he led and others all he could do was follow. So, what was he? A hero, coward, a leader or a follower? The truth is he was all these things at once. It just appeared that he recognised certain aspects of himself during different battles.
What are its limits?
Lived experience is a valuable and important tool or piece of wisdom we can pass on to others, but it does have its limits. Trauma, especially, can be incredibly difficult to process and articulate, even for the person experiencing it. I hope my example above demonstrates that even the participant living the experience may not be able to process it in such a way that they can distil its essence for themselves, never mind others.
With any extreme experience is it healthy or even realistic to think an individual can relive and explain it fully to another person in its finest detail? Perhaps not. Sometimes, forgetting might seem preferable, though often impossible.
A competition no one should want to win
Another aspect to consider is that we sometimes as humans feel extreme ownership over our painful experience to the point where we see others trying to express empathy as offensive. Yet, someone without the genuine lived experience attempting to connect with another human being who is suffering is one of our most cherished human virtues. I am thankful that people do try to understand and help others on a private and professional level. They may never be able to fully grasp the emotional turmoil and pain but at least they are trying at some cost to their own wellbeing.
Further to this some individuals who have suffered terribly can start to believe that their experience may well be the most extreme that any person has ever been through. Sadly, in some cases they may be in the top 1% of the human suffering pyramid, but there is always someone who is experiencing a more chronic, and deeper sorrow.
I can give you an instant comparison with my own experience. I met a couple several years ago who lost their only child. I have a child who is still alive - in other words, the other family’s story is sadder than mine. This knowledge does not diminish my own family’s tragedy and suffering.
In terms of grief, many people in our society will find themselves enduring lifelong extreme emotional burdens. We should not allow our personal lived experience to cast a shadow on our common experiences. It is with some regret that we must acknowledge that being human can lead us to find competition in the most pointless and demeaning places. We should also acknowledge that there is absolutely no relief from sorrow to be found here.
Coalition of the Willing?
In short, we need to become part of a coalition of the willing; those willing to help and learn when they can. This can include friends or professionals with no direct experience or people sharing stories with similar aspects and challenges. The other option is of rejecting those who cannot ever possibly understand. This can leave us marinating judgmentally in our own suffering and will only make living seem even more unbearable. Instead, we can choose connection, even if imperfect, and build a community of support around shared humanity, not a hierarchy of pain.