Our Dogs Are Not Our Children

© Iona Murray

After witnessing the severe illness and death of a child, you walk around for many years slightly out of phase with the rest of the world. At times, you feel like you are observing as opposed to experiencing reality. You notice many people’s priorities are quite unrelatable. This sense of detachment is compounded when elements of society make it clear that they cannot handle or are not interested in what has happened to you.

Naively, I often thought the death of a child would galvanise a community into action, but this is not often the case. Many people do care and respond accordingly. For that, I am grateful. For some of us we do not have the ability to feel, or at least demonstrate, empathy and compassion for other people. We care about the wrong things at the wrong time. I am never sure whether it is a distraction, a lack of genuine empathy, or socialisation to demonstrate empathy. The detachment I mentioned does allow you to become somewhat of an amateur anthropologist to the rest of society, watching the changes in cultural shifts and moods. Some of these changes are symptoms of deeper problems that do not bode well.

A concerning trend

Over the last decade, I have become aware of certain changes in attitudes taking over more of our society. The human/canine relationship has taken on an unfortunate character. This trend is raising the status of dogs to that of a child. The attitude of over-pampering a dog used to be stereotypically associated with older eccentric individuals who were lonely. This once-fringe attitude has aggregated to cause a shift in the mainstream. Where once only guide dogs were allowed, you will now see dogs in these spaces. Does your dog really need to shop in a hardware store, have a cabin seat on a plane, or have its own menu at a café? I am not criticising business owners for providing a service that a subsection of its customers clearly wants, but maybe the rest of us should feel a little more uncomfortable with the idea.

How we publicly react to the trials and tribulations of dog ownership has changed. When we would carefully listen and empathise with a work colleague talking about their sick child, there is now an expectation to act in a similar way to pet illness. Long gone are the days when people could comfortably take the public attitude that it is ok not to care about other people's pets.

It gets much worse

I have previously discussed the incredibly insensitive things people can say in the article Unhelpful Individuals. One was comparing the death of a child to the death of a pet dog. I have heard too many stories suggesting this is a common experience for people who have lost a family member. What is more concerning is when people have been challenged for making these comments they will double down on them. By that, I mean, they really do think that your child, spouse, or sibling dying is comparable to their dog dying. This type of conversation can generate feelings of outrage and disgust in the grieving individuals. Unfortunately, the only thing that lessens the emotional impact is enough exposure to these individuals to accept that there is a subset of people wildly detached from the human experience. They are walking around with and happily acting out these beliefs.

Our Nature

At the core of nature, there is a need for life to reproduce. In mammals, this has evolved to a point where much time is spent nurturing offspring. In more complex animal societies, this role has expanded to involve tribes or packs with vested interests in the next generation. As humans, we have built on these behaviours to build large and complex societies. We are creating more humans that are part of our 'in' group and, sadly, at times, equally large groups that fall into an 'out' group. I cannot think of an example in history where so many of us have taken other animals, i.e., the dog, and placed them at the centre of our 'in' group. The dog has been elevated to something of equal status to humans. Whatever is causing this shift needs to be understood and, more importantly, countered. Ultimately, it will not allow humans nor their dogs to thrive. We all have our nature, and working against this is not only impossible but fundamentally a futile exercise.

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A Common Scene

On the morning of the tenth anniversary of my son's death, I was enjoying breakfast with my wife and daughter. We sat in the corner of the café and had a scenic view of the Brisbane River. As we looked outside the café, we saw several couples and families with different sized dogs. As people came and went, I watched several interactions between dog owners proudly introducing their dogs and telling their pets' life stories.

It reminded me of when my wife and I were visiting my grandmother at an old age pensioners' home. We had come to introduce our daughter. As we left the home, an older couple, whom we did not know, saw my daughter and proceeded to make a fuss over her. They asked how old she was and what her name was. After telling us how lovely she was, they left. These little heart-warming exchanges were quite common in the North of England. It was a ritual or common courtesy that some older members of the community afforded to young parents. I only see this carried out amongst dog owners now. That is not to say it does not still occur with children, but I cannot remember the last time I witnessed it.

I Have a Dog

At this point, it is worth mentioning I have a dog, whom I walk, take to the vets, feed, and clean up after. I am not opposed to owning a dog nor preventing others from sharing the same experience. What's more, I have rather enjoyed the whole adventure and seen the downstream benefits of dog ownership for my family. My dog is a Labrador. It was initially bred to help fishermen retrieve fish and pull in nets in Newfoundland. The dogs still have pronounced webbing in their paws, showing their aquatic based heritage. Their cooperative nature and usefulness eventually made the breed popular as domestic pets.

My pet dog is not nor will ever be my “fur baby,”nor am I his “pawrent.” That does not exclude me from having a fondness for the animal. This is due to the close emotional proximity he currently inhabits, i.e., he is alive and lives in my family home. I will be sad on the day he dies and probably shed a few tears, just like I did when I had my other dog euthanised when he could no longer walk. After this event, I had a bit of a rough morning and moved on with my life; always with a fondness for the first family pet.

My Attitude Is at Odds with Society

This practical attitude to dog ownership would have firmly placed me in the middle of the pack for pet sentimentality fifteen years ago. From the anecdotal evidence I have managed to gather, this may no longer be true. Occasionally, I think my attitude may have me reported for animal cruelty for letting my dog sleep outside in a spacious, undercover living area. It is not that I want everyone to treat their pet exactly as I do; I just want the relentless march towards anthropomorphising dogs into children to stop.

Human and Dog Revolution

This was not always the case. Human society has evolved with dogs. This was initiated with a rapprochement between the more social wolves and smarter humans in hunter-gatherer societies. There was a realisation that both species' survival was enhanced by working with each other. This symbiotic relationship has affected both species' evolution. Over time, this evolved into dogs being bred to enhance canine skill sets that humans could utilise: hunting, guarding, herding, and at times companionship. These roles persist in various forms, and some dogs can have multiple roles. How we relate to dogs is believed to be affected by the roles they perform. Perhaps the zenith of this relationship is the guide dog for visually impaired people. This is perhaps the most sophisticated and rewarding human/canine relationship.

The Need to Connect

The canine-human connection does have measurable positive emotional effects on humans, which is our “Dog Valium.” The need for connection is fundamental to social creatures such as humans and dogs. Either party can fulfil some of the needs in the absence of their own species. They can never fulfil all needs because it is impossible to do so. At times, a dog can appear to be a person's only friend, and they can play a vital short-term substitute role until normal human social relationships resume. Most of my divorced friends ended up with the family dog.

One reason humans enjoy dogs is the uncomplicated nature of the relationship. Dogs appear to demonstrate a simple unconditional love, whilst humans are complicated. The complexity and jeopardy in our human relationships is what makes life worth living. As human beings, we have evolved to live with and ultimately for each other.

Where Does this Need Come From?

Why do so many people have a huge need to socially involve their dogs in everything? It has been suggested that the increase in urbanisation is one underlying issue for humanity that has meant we have to look to something other than our fellow humans to fulfil basic social needs. We are also having smaller families and delaying important milestones such as marriage, children, and thus grandchildren. All this is leaving a hole that requires filling. One of the cures for the symptom appears to have come in the form of small dogs. At the very least, distract us from whatever our souls are crying out for.

It does concern me that the increase in smaller breeds of dogs that can elicit emotional responses from humans will soon pervade urban life. Generating the appearance of neediness to humans is being bred into these dogs. It is no longer a side product of other useful traits. Remember, these dogs' recent ancestors are wolves, and they were never designed for a café society. Dogs and wolves have very similar DNA, and we cannot keep pushing against this nature without harming the dogs.

Social Media and Contagions

There is also the issue of social contagions of the dog lifestyle meme. This can make people feel like they are missing out or lack social status without a dog. Once these types of social movements take root, an entire new industry is formed. This goes well beyond the basic care and health needs of our pets. Clothes, presents, boutique hair salons, and luxurious beds all need to be marketed to encourage pet owners to spend money. Australians spend roughly (no pun intended) $3200 on their dogs per year.

Should we be spending this money on children in dire circumstances? Is it cruel to keep a suffering dog going for another six months? I do feel people are being emotionally exploited into keeping their pets alive in the later stages of life. Huge vet bills are racked up, followed by exorbitant amounts honouring their deceased pet. The methods and types of this memorialisation go from the sublime to the ridiculous.

A Malaise Deepens

There is a deep malaise in our collective souls that is allowing the elevation of a dog to the status of a child and its tacit acceptance in broader society. I recently conducted an interview with a young female employee at a business as part of a research project. The final question of the interview was attempting to collate anything I had missed: 'What else would you like to see from your employer that would help with job retention?' The interviewee thought deeply about the question. Her response was given in two sections. Initially, she mentioned that she had been thinking about expanding the idea of parental leave. In my mind, I thought she might be talking about IVF treatment, miscarriage, or some other complexity unique to women in the workplace. I was now curious for her to expand on the subject. She told me that she had spoken to the company management about purchasing a puppy and the possibility of applying for parental leave. The management seemed open to the idea. I finished the interview and left somewhat perturbed by what she had said. Everyone at the company appeared to be pleasant and thoughtful human beings. Yet they thought parental leave for puppies had virtue. The company involved knew keeping employees was a challenge, and picking the correct HR battles was prudent. I am not sure whether anyone really thought this was a good idea or something they had to put up with to keep up with current societal mores. This is purely speculation, but I got the feeling no one would have shared my opinion, that parental leave for puppies was such a ridiculous false comparison that it was actually offensive.

Nobody at the company would know that I had been attempting, with no success, to have the amount of special leave for the death of a child extended beyond two days. (Discussed in this article). I wonder if they had, would the subject of puppy parental leave still have been brought up? Sadly, I think so. I will now make the prediction that, at some point in the near future, either officially or unofficially, organisations will be giving people more time off for buying a puppy than when their child dies.

Our children are our future

We have children and invest all our love, time, and dreams of a better future in them. For various reasons, some people cannot have children or circumstances have arisen where they do not have the opportunity to start their own family. Most of the people I know without children do find a sense of belonging and comfort in helping nurture children and young people in their extended social circle. This is done whilst coming to terms with the fact that they do not have their own family. They still have a deep sense of the importance of this next generation.

Most of our children will not grow up to be doctors, lead countries, or be successful in business. Most of them will go on to play a small but vital role in broader society. There is always a risk that having a child will result in them being born with very little prospect of leading a normal life. Caring for these individuals is where much meaning still can be found.

In extreme scenarios, we can lose our children, knowing that we will be consumed by an immense amount of suffering. So, what should we do? Never have children? Not be involved with helping raise children, or see them as an inconvenience and a limit to our lives? I do suspect that most people attempting to elevate the status of their dog to that of a child are doing so because they are trying to find meaning that can only come from having a human child. Something has convinced us that a dog is a safer, lower-risk, and less complicated option. The fact is we all have a vested interest in nurturing the next generation of human potential (see the article How Important is Our Potential Future?); nothing is more important or rewarding.

This attitudinal shift is not just a preserve of people who may have chosen not to involve themselves with children. Many families feel the need to take dogs on holidays, cafe meet-ups, and family visits. I wonder if we are feeling similar levels of isolation within our families and a need to connect. We also do not trust our neighbours enough to look after our dogs while we are on holiday. As the reader may have picked up, I much rather children did not have to compete for affection, attention, and resources with a dog. There is a family hierarchy that should place their pet firmly at the bottom. My father used to say decades ago that he thought some people loved their dogs more than their children. At the time I thought he was overly annoyed that people pampered their dogs too much. He was correct to a point. Maybe some people find it easier to love their dogs than their children and now they have more opportunity to show this.

Conclusion

Dogs will not go on to find solutions to our greatest challenges as a society. At an individual level, they will not help us find the deep meaning that sustains us. They are not designed by nature to do this. I am grateful that there has been a crossover in both species' sociability that allows them to be part of our lives. We have created a society that allowed most people to have and nurture children. That is its central point, whether you have them or not, you will need someone else's child to help you get through the real challeneges in life. Thinking that anything thing else such as a dog can replace this, is a delusion. What’s more, this delusion can be quite painful to be around for those people with a sick child, recently miscarried, struggling to have children, or who have lost a child.