Our slightly uncomfortable relationship with Peer-to-Peer Support Groups
Writing about peer-to-peer (P2P) support groups in the companion post unearthed a surprising conflict: despite my own involvement, I still harbour some reservations. As the title suggests, society has an uncomfortable relationship with P2P groups—and despite my own involvement, I'm no exception. They are becoming more commonplace, but I think each and every one of us will have a mental list of what we perceive as “good groups” and “bad groups”. We also may think we are slightly above attending such groups even if they are labeled good on our mental list. Maybe because we are not quite sure why complete strangers wish to discuss their intimate feelings and problems with each other. No matter what your opinion is, any attendance at these groups is only carefully shared with select friends and family. The ones who we know are a little less judgemental than others. Why is this? I have concluded that it is a few factors we must consider. These include how P2P groups have been associated with certain societal taboos, media portrayal and a recognition that if you are attending a P2P support group, that your life is currently not going well. Not many people like to think that their lives can be turned upside down so easily.
Before and after the internet
One of the features of living in the internet age of connectivity is that the people born before it all started in the 1990s start to forget what things used to be like and everyone born in the internet age will be ignorant of what things were like. It's tempting to think that P2P support groups are a relatively new phenomenon. The need to connect with others who truly understand our struggles is and has always been a fundamental human need.
The modern birth of Peer-to-Peer Support Groups
Perhaps the most famous P2P group is Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), which started in 1935. It’s a testament to AA that it is almost an expectation on individuals with a very public drinking problem to attend an AA meeting. From this organisation, many others have sprung up based on their peer support and the famous 12 step program.
Social norms determine whether subjects are taboo. In the case of alcohol, social drinking is widespread. Lots of cultures consume alcohol. Amongst societies drinkers, there is a sub-set of problem drinkers. The rest of us who do drink just cannot understand what the problem drinker’s problem is with alcohol. When AA was presented in the media in 1939 their membership rapidly grew. Many alcoholics suddenly became aware that they were not the only problem drinker in their town, and they now had a group they could talk to.
As time has progressed, more taboo subjects and problems have found places for discussion in P2P groups. This Substack, at its heart, is about death and severe grief; it discusses taboo topics like death and mental health. Not comfortable subjects for society, and I imagine this will be reflected in the substacks subscription numbers. All this said, we know society norms shift and evolve. New taboos will come along, or old ones can be recycled. It is always hard to predict what will and won’t be accepted moving forward.
The internet flattens geographical boundaries
Some individuals may have felt very isolated geographically and knew whatever their issue was would mean they may never find someone to talk to. Suddenly in the 90s, a solution in the form of the internet flattened geographical boundaries. I know of people 20 years ago who were finding support from online groups based in the USA. Ironically, they did not have to face the embarrassment of bumping into fellow members in the local shopping mall. Today with the advent of social media P2P groups thrive in many forms. Facebook groups, Discord and Substack allow individuals to build communities around common shared experiences. The sheer diversity of themes P2P groups means there are more taboo subjects we are learning about. Some of these will capture the media’s attention, magnifying fringe issues in the public’s mind.
Media Portrayal of P2P Groups
I imagine most of my generation's introduction to Peer-to-Peer support groups as a child would have been a dramatisation of an AA meeting on TV. Basically, it was people sitting in a circle, accepting they had a problem and gaining support from others with the same problem. Sometimes they had sponsors. A person further down the road to recovery who would try to support them when an individual was tempted to drink again. This expanded to movies including support groups for all manner of issues which ranged from the sublime to the ridiculous. This maybe reaching its zenith in the movie “Fight Club" in which the protagonist(s) form a support group for men which involved fighting each other to aid personal development.
I think we watched these groups on TV and in films with a bizarre fascination by what went on and liked to speculate to what they were really like. This speculation was re-enforced and given licence for hyperbole by their portrayal in these dramatical contexts. Now for the new generation, they have this and the addition of social media. I imagine the first time anyone attends a P2P group meeting their heads will be spinning with wild speculation inspired by the media.
Managing our expectations and recognising our biases
Watching the excellent Breaking Bad when Jesse is in a therapy group would be enough to turn any one away from a P2P group. Film stories love the P2P group setting as it allows characters to colour in their moral arc with their deepest fears and most nihilistic thoughts. Very dramatic revelations that probably only ever occur in 1 out of 1000 meetings. At its heart the media did get it correct. P2P groups are a bunch of people sitting around trying to work out together how to think about their similar problems and hopefully help each other in the process. It is just done with much less drama.
If we are in a P2P group for a serious subject matter, our life has probably turned upside down and we will probably not be sitting as comfortably in society anymore. Dispelling myths about ourselves such as how we should cope, how we should be perceived and how will be should be judged is probably useful to start any process of healing.
I have never had an issue with alcohol but if I did, I would hope that I would be able to get past myself and at least investigate attending an AA meeting. I was so desperately sad after losing my son that I put all my expectations and biases aside and attended a P2P meeting. My attitude was at least I tried something which was better than nothing. Maybe this attitude to access real help in any form may allow you to gather the many pieces of your life and start the process of putting it back together.