The Art of Not-Coping

Finding Your Way When Things Fall Apart

©Iona Murray

I imagine if you are reading this article, you or someone you know is struggling with their loss and things are not going well. Every parent I have spoken to almost always tells me that they would not know how to cope if they had lost a child. 'Cope' is an interesting word; it implies managing to face and handle challenges, stress, or responsibilities, often with some degree of success. How do you successfully cope with this terrible loss? What would success look like?

In the aftermath, there is the physical and emotional bond that is gone with the child. At another level, everything in your life is built on the assumption that your children will outlive you. This results in a loss of meaning when they do not survive. Up to this point, the aim of your life has been to create an environment where your children not only survive but go on to thrive.

'They're a Fighter'

Phrases and concepts enter our language that appear to hold strange spells over our perception of the world. People have often been said to 'fight' diseases like cancer. Headlines in the newspapers would feature a picture of a celebrity claiming to have battled and beat the disease. Who could not be happy that a person survives such an illness and goes on with their life? After facing their battle, many people become much wiser and experience gratitude at being given a second chance.

Sadly, other individuals get cancer and die. Often this will involve a huge amount of suffering. I sometimes wondered whether certain elements of our society quietly think that by 'losing' their fight it diminishes their struggle with the disease. This is the inherently cruel nature of using sub-optimal language that influences how we see the world.

The truth is some people will get cancer and live and some will die. If you are lucky enough to be living in the present, medical science has created treatments and detection protocols that increase the likelihood of survival. In the future, more people will survive any cancer diagnosis. This will not be due to an increase in fighting spirit but to being born at the right time in human history.

Coping or Not Coping

You will have to decide on whether you are coping or not. There needs to be a clear understanding in your head of what not coping is, as opposed to what it should be. It is the same for any challenging scenario in your life.

When do you start to realise you are not coping and that something needs to change? Is it the lack of sleep? Maybe you are drinking a little too much? Or do you find yourself involved in too many petty disputes?

All of us have learnt enough about ourselves to identify when the proverbial wheels start to fall off in life. When you and your immediate family have lost a member, things go awry at a rapid pace and in dimensions you have never experienced before. It can feel like, and may be the case, that you have started to not cope in an obvious and detrimental way before you have even realised it.

In the Moment

It is best to not focus on emotional outbursts or your inability to socially function at a level you did previously. You will have to learn to see these as warning signs in the cacophony of noise that currently fills your head. These are not failures.

You may also need to consider the various dimensions of your life and prioritise them. Your current emotional and mental state may only allow you to put in place coping strategies for specific areas: your family, friends, and work.

Most of us require an income source that comes from work. Can you afford to spend all your energy coping in the workplace only to come home to support a family that is falling apart? Will you be able to manage and remove unhelpful individuals in your peer group if you are stretched at home and the workplace?

In the end, something may have to take precedence, and this will be your health and thus your ability to support your family. This includes emotionally and financially.

We All Need to Earn Money

I have written about how I would like to see more support in the workplace for grieving families in the article ‘Individual Grief and The Workplace’. Most of us want to provide for our families and it is a major concern when we cannot. Work can be a very useful distraction, and some of our colleagues are also friends. The ability to cope in work is something that will hopefully be possible over time.

Are You Coping at Work?

A first indicator may be if you are not coping at work. We all make mistakes when we slacken off or are distracted by our personal lives. The more diligent among us will do this less. Being a professional in the workplace does form part of our identity. When we constantly underperform, it does affect how we feel about ourselves.

Coping with a loss can lower multiple facets of our performance, including elements of a job you are very good at. The fact that you may not realise you are making more mistakes than usual, or that you may not care that you are, is a warning sign. Conversely, a simple mistake or mini-drama resulting in an uncharacteristic emotional outburst from you is another. If any of your behaviour starts to involve disciplinary procedures and/or HR departments, then you are not coping.

For example, there was an annoying colleague at work who became intolerable. I got to the point where I refused to be in the same space as this person. He was not particularly socially aware or high in emotional intelligence. I imagine that he had some sort of underlying issues he could not help, but I was in no position to deal with them. My concern was that while he would understand that I was upset, he would have always tried to prioritise spreadsheets, paperwork, covering over any of his numerous mistakes, and obsessing over things that did not matter. This would have led to me saying something off-colour or using language that could be construed as threatening in the workplace. I was always very grateful to my line manager at the time; she told the annoying colleague to stay away from and not to interact with me. This situation had the potential to turn sour very quickly and could have led to disciplinary action for me.

Protecting Your Income

How do we do this? Either by staying in work with realistic expectations of what we are capable of, or by having to utilise sick leave if we are not coping in the workplace. We all have to protect our income for the sake of our families. Work will never seem the same again, and you may find that when you are ready, changing your job or career may be the only option that allows you to truly cope.

You Be the Judge

You need to be the judge on whether you are coping or not coping in a situation. If you are taking on this role, like all good judges, you have to be honest and fair with yourself. You cannot be influenced by others’ expectations, particularly ones who are not walking in your shoes. If your cannot perform this role someone else will become the judge on how you are coping…and if this happens, it means you are not coping.