The Audacity of Post Traumatic Growth
Several years ago, I was involved in a meeting with university academics discussing grief and bereavement support for people who had lost a child. The most senior academic in the room had amassed a huge wealth of knowledge through her studies, various occupations and life experience. I sensed that there was well-earned respect within the room as she spoke, and I listened intently to what she said. Then, the professor mentioned one idea to which I had a negative reaction to…Post Traumatic Growth.
What is Post Traumatic Growth?
Perhaps I need to clarify what this idea is before I explain my reaction. In psychology, an idea trying to understand a certain specific group of behaviours is called a construct. Post-traumatic growth (PTG) is the construct that describes the experience of positive psychological change reported by some people following a traumatic or challenging life event. This growth can manifest in various ways, such as increased appreciation for life, deeper relationships, a greater sense of personal strength, spiritual development, and a shift in priorities.
So why was I annoyed by the idea of PTG? Clearly, an individual who I respected was being positive, what’s more, she had the research and clinical experience to support everything she said. For that matter, she was basically saying that after a terrible experience, it is highly likely you will have the opportunity to improve as a person. At the time, I think I was surprised by my reaction. I did not show or vent my feelings, but I started to focus on them and less on the conversation I was supposed to be involved with. The meeting ended, and I made my summary notes with too much of a focus on PTG and a feeling of resentment I could not understand or justify.
In the following week, I spoke to another parent who had lost a child, and the subject of my recent meeting came up. The person vocalised the same reaction I had in the meeting. It was almost a “Who the hell do you think you are to talk about growth at this time?” This is when you start to realise that my reaction was normal under the circumstances and that the emotions you feel about this idea are very deep at the core of who you are as a person.
Why the opposition?
I did try and consider why people who have suffered a terrible loss find PTG initially quite repellent as an idea. First, there is an audacity to it…a level of ambition that seems unrealistic that in the absolute depth of misery and suffering, a net positive will arise. One could even call it at best overly positive and at worst an emotionally vapid take on human suffering.
Further to this, there now becomes an additional pressure and burden. Not only has your child died, but now there is an expectation that you will be going on a journey of self-improvement. In addition to this, some psychologist has created a construct which will be able to study this improvement. That means I now have another job on my plate or be considered a failure by people who have never experienced what I have been through.
Reading this, it is apparent that PTG is contentious to people who are truly in a dark place. I am genuinely trying to convey the negative reaction that I and others felt when confronted with this idea.
Anyone who has faced a tragedy in their life will know that it leaves them full of a sense of injustice. Why me? Why my family and why not the revolting human beings that make everyone else’s life a misery? These are normal human feelings. We must ask these questions before we can even begin to accept what has happened to us. You will ask yourself probably till you die, but as time progresses, you ask them less often and with a lower intensity.
Feeling resentful has it uses?
One could call it all the negative emotions resentful. Resentfulness is a concept that is often seen as purely negative. When you start feeling resentful, it is a positive tool or meter telling your conscious mind that there is a problem in your environment that needs addressing. Over time, if the problem(s) are not identified and/or no action is taken to remedy them, then it can become something that makes you bitter. This bitterness is what most people refer to as resentment. We all can get consumed by our bitterness at times or in extreme cases all the time. This is perhaps the worst outcome after any tragedy. The individuals affected become bitter, resentful, and broken people who no one wants to be around. They isolate themselves and, as a result, compound their condition. The person is no longer feeling resentful, they have become it……they are resentful.
Resilience and PTG are not the same
PTG is not the same as being resilient. It is something more complex and involves the breaking down of belief systems and the redefinition of meaning in one's life. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity, stress, and challenges. It's about adapting and coping with difficult situations, whether they are everyday stressors or major life events. Now, everyday stressors and major life events are different things to different people. Working in an ER department has many everyday stressors that would be major life events to most of us as we are not acclimatised to this environment. Conversely, who gets to decide what a major life event is? It is mostly relative to the individual. For example, someone may think a divorce after 7 years of marriage is the worst thing that has happened to them. As a result, they may become completely undone and decide to take drastic action. Many people may find themselves getting divorced and seeing it as the best possible outcome for them at the time. Is one person’s ability to cope with divorce to be considered more resilient than another’s? The answer is probably yes, but we must consider all the factors in and around the divorce and the personality types of the individuals involved.
Most of the time, most of us can identify resilience in others when we see it. It comes with a level of admiration as we question how we might cope when faced with similar challenges.
Broken and forever changed
PTG involves a process of breaking and new growth. Life events forge new facets and qualities in our characters. The white heat and pressure of the tragedy are a crucible that means we must change; there is almost no other option. At the end of the process that started with the trauma; others around us will witness the growth. Does the individual at the centre of it all see this? I imagine not; they are too busy adapting to survive.
It took me some months to start to consider PTG for what it was. It is a natural phenomenon after terrible events that most people can, like an alchemist, change the horror of a situation into something positive for them and those they care about. It is not an imposition placed on them by society because it cannot be. Like it or not, a person suffering will change, and some of it will be good. What society must do allow the opportunities for PTG to occur in indivdiuals. This will mean accepting that people must change.
Over time, I realised my problem with PTG was this: I was not ready to contemplate the possibility that, as a direct result of my loss, somethings would imporove. It begged the question, "I have lost my son, and now something about me is going to be better?"
I think a summation of what I was feeling is captured in this quote from Rabbi Harold Kushner from the USA, who recently pssed in 2023.
“I am a more sensitive person, a more effective pastor, a more sympathetic counsellor because of Aaron's life and death than I would ever have been without it. And I would give up all of those gains in a second if I could have my son back. If I could choose, I would forego all of the spiritual growth and depth which has come my way because of our experiences... But I cannot choose.”
Unfortunately, we cannot choose or even claim any personal growth as it is only others who knew you before and after the traumatic event that will be able to truly audit your character change. Personally, I am unable to clearly articulate the positives of who I now am. Some of this is because I am too often focus on what I cannot do now and I am still unwilling to acknowledge the improvements. One thing I think I can maybe claim is that now I do feel far more present and enjoy the lighter moments I have these days. I know they are a reprieve from the inevitable darker moments that will come. For that I am grateful.