Time Heals All Wounds

Or Does it?

© Iona Murray

We criticise things for being clichéd. Often these ideas have come out of the experiences of humanity over many generations. "Time heals all wounds" being an example. When you hear this, it may not immediately resonate with what it truly means. Eventually, over time, most scenarios we must face, no matter how difficult, can eventually become less painful and can be seen in a new perspective.

The origins of this statement are attributed to the Greek poet and playwright Menander around 300 BC. He used the phrase "time is the healer of all necessary evils." His plays were said to be realistic portrayals of the everyday life of Athenians, focusing on domestic situations, family relationships, love, and social manners.

I will state now for the record that I do believe in the healing power of time for most situations that humans have to overcome. So why do I have this resistance to statements like "Time heals all wounds?" In light of the fact that I am agreeing with them in principle and more importantly, from personal experience?

Cliché

A cliché is an expression or an idea that has been overused to the point of losing its original meaning and thus its impact. We sometimes criticise stories or action scenes in films as being clichéd. At one time these were often fresh and insightful, but their excessive repetition has made them predictable and unoriginal.

Certain phrases can flip between being a bland comment and profound wisdom depending on the conditions: When is it said, by whom is it said, and why are they saying it?

Interactions on Substack

Through writing this Substack, I have been lucky enough to have interactions through comments, messages, and even a Zoom conversation with people who have read my articles. Invariably, they have lost a child and/or another member of their family. If any discussion involves acknowledging that over time there is some healing, I have never felt it has been written or discussed superficially. This is because I know it comes from personal experience. They have learned this in such a brutally hard fashion that they are the embodiment of the truth that time has started to heal their wounds.

I will not consider a comment clichéd if it is spoken by a person who has lived through an experience that brings forward a deeper truth. The wisdom distilled into these phrases is no longer obscured, and you have to accept their unassailable truth when spoken by a person who knows from the core of their being that it is true.

Context is Important

We must also consider the context in which "time heals all wounds" is spoken. Are you, the listener, able to understand what this means? An example of how context is important came to me when I was teaching. During my first year in the job, the more experienced staff told me "not to smile before Christmas." This teaching cliché meant do not be to friendly to the students in the first term. I started off okay and thought I had cracked classroom management and discipline in the first four weeks. By the simple act of relaxing, the students saw my inexperience, and I spent the rest of the year struggling to get my classes back. I now had the context and understood that deeper truth: that children watch you for weakness and test the boundaries. A class of thirty students will act like a pack if you let them. More importantly, young people want teachers to always be the adult in the room, even when they claim the opposite. I literally could not understand what the older teachers were telling me as I had no context to place it in. I thought it was a cliché, and ironically, my actions were perhaps the most clichéd of all.

Are You Being Placated?

We all know of certain individuals who speak the latest jargon or social platitudes. This is particularly evident in the workplace. Sentences such as "Let's circle back on this after the meeting" or words like "Synergy" pepper many meetings around the globe. A person who chooses to use language in this manner is seen as shallow or even worse, untrustworthy. They use language to placate or manipulate people. This is particularly true when they never "circle back" to anyone, or when "improved synergy" ends in budget cuts and job losses.

If such a person were to utter the cliché "time heals all wounds," we would not believe them and would be irritated. Compare this to an elderly person who is trying to say something that will help you as they do not know what else to say. It may sound clichéd, but you know they are just struggling to help.

Is Time the Best Healer?

In the following month after my son died, a friend was talking to my wife and me at home. He knew my son and was very upset about the situation. He had been doing some research and had read it can take 13 years to start accepting and ultimately starting to heal after the death of a child. Where he got this figure from, or how accurate it is, or how he came to volunteer this information, I have no idea. The strange thing is both my wife and I remember him saying it. We both thought about how long this would be and, if I'm honest, felt frightened at the prospect of suffering for so long.

Recently, I reflected on what he said, and without placing a specific number on it, he was correct. It takes years to come to a place in which you can start to accept your loss and feel like some healing has occurred. You never fully accept it, and it is a non-linear process. There are good months and bad months. Some years are better than others. You will also not be aware of your slow improvements. The "wounds" do not heal, but you can never feel as bad when you are looking back as you did when it all first happened.

A Paradox

There is a "time paradox" involved with certain tragic losses of a family member. It has been highlighted that prolonged grief (PG) symptoms can increase over time. One study found that time does not always "heal all wounds." The highest level of PG symptoms was observed in individuals who lost a family member one to two years prior. While symptom levels generally decreased over time, participants bereaved six to eight years ago showed higher PG symptom levels than those bereaved four to six years ago. This suggests a paradox, implying that varying levels of support will be required as the bereaved's vulnerability increases after the initial shock of the death subsides.

You Evolve to Carry Your Burden

You evolve to carry your burden. As others have before and others will do in the future. You even start to appreciate that despite the horrific nature of your family’s tragedy, there are others worse off than you. This process cannot be rushed, forced, or cajoled to fit a specific schedule. It is a process that works in the background and very slowly, almost to the point of imperception. Eventually, your sense of humour returns, and some trivial things start to become important again. Some of the numbness dissipates, and you do start to feel a bit better. Perhaps it is only when we apply it to our own personal suffering that "time heals all wounds" stops being a cliché and becomes a profound truth.