Ultimately... A Family Must Share Everything.
I find it strange that anyone in public life or even their private life would have to proclaim the importance of the family unit. I have often felt it is the pillar on which our societies are built. The need to virtue signal that you are all about your family is a moot point.
Many people act in a way that is clearly demonstrating this. They look after their children and go to work to support them. I think the family unit, is the centre of our world. It forms a fundamental part of our identity. Secure in the knowledge that we are a good parent and spouse we find a level of security and purpose in our lives that we can build many things on.
I sometimes think we proclaim our belief in family to remind ourselves that this is the main purpose in our lives and everything else is a bit of a sideshow. Most of us with children will take the facts that A) We can have children and B) We actually have children; very much for granted.
Life events can quickly challenge these assumptions and families can find themselves in a crisis if struck by parental separation, chronic illnesses or death. When this occurs the central point of a family, which is to nurture children into adulthood, is also threatened.
You are on the adult bus now
Many of us who are considered adults with children know we are making it up as we go along. Between the lessons our parents taught us, copying our peers and a bit of intuition, we manage to bring up our children.
Once we have children it is assumed we have decided to travel on the adult bus with all the responsibilities that that ensues. However, what happens if we do not know how to cope with situations or have not developed the appropriate adult skills sets?
There is a simple answer to this question that we sometimes choose to ignore. The answer is you need to get on with it. You’re the adult and you decided to take the journey of having children. They really did not ask to be born and you decided to bring them into this world.
When I say we need to get on with it. I am not really saying this, my father is saying it in my head. He had many ways of reminding me and my siblings that we had responsibilities. This was often never done in a dismissive way; he believed that no matter what the challenge is for your family you need to cope for your children. It was just a fact of life.
I will confess I did not like hearing it sometimes, but it was a statement said in such a way that it was self-evidently true. I am not saying that it is simply a case of raising our game and we all can find instant solutions to our family’s problems, no we must try and keep trying till a solution is found.
What’s more a solution was only a solution if it had the children’s best interest at heart. It is a transcendent goal that could never be reach but in the act of striving you were far less likely to go wrong.
Our parents bring up our children
Stephen Covey was the author of the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This was personal development book that sold millions of copies after it was published in 1989. If he had released the book today, I imagine he would constantly be all over the social media.
Though his book is worth a read I am not going to reference it as he said something else far more important. I heard him talk many years ago and said something which I will have to paraphrase….”If your a parent you are not only raising your children, but you are also indirectly raising your grandchildren.”
My parents’ values came from my grandparents. My grandparents lived in much tougher times than I can imagine. They had the small matter of raising children in the middle of World War II, in a city being bombed. Both sets of grandparents lost a child and raised several others. They gave me a shot at being a half-decent person and hopefully parent.
Family Therapy
In the immediate aftermath of my son’s demise, both my wife and I were very concerned about how we could best support our daughter. It was an instinctive response that we both felt deeply and did not have to articulate. My daughter was dealing remarkably well with the situation, but this had its limits. She was also dealing with two parents in the peaks of despair.
We were advised to talk to a counselling service that supported families through life-changing events. We all attended the first session, and the counsellor asked us what our goals were as a family. It was a question that unsettled me. I was being asked to plan for a future life that I really did not want to contemplate. I think from memory all we had was that we wanted to support our daughter and stay together as a family.
We were in survival mode. Looking back, I realise those family sessions gave us a space to openly express how much we needed each other. They also helped us understand that we had to learn to grieve together as a family. This was as important as how we grieved, as individuals. When we could, we had to share this burden and help each other, when one of us was struggling. I am both equally grateful that we took the advice to attend the family counselling session and had a counsellor who centred our thoughts on trying work as a family.
In a previous post, I have highlighted the roles of counsellors, in which I only briefly touch on their roles working with families. Though not exclusive to counsellors, it is probably something they do more. I do know of other scenarios in which friends have felt speaking to a counsellor with the entire family was the best way to support their children.
If you do ever intend to take this option, like with all professionals, ask around your social group, and like we did, we spoke to the school guidance officer, who recommended this counselling service. We did continue to use this service as a family and individuals for several years. It was interesting how the first family session goals became a touchstone over the years.
A reminder…..
Several years ago we were invited to a memorial service for children that had died in the Queensland Children's Hospital, Brisbane. One of the speakers was a young woman. She spoke to the audience of grieving families and gave all the parents a reminder of their responsibilities to their living children.
We learnt that after she had lost her sibling, her parents went AWOL. Not just sad or less social—they went missing as parents. One parent developed a drink problem, and the other slipped into a deep depression requiring support from the speaker. Consequently, she was forced to bring herself up.
Not only had she physically lost her sibling, she had emotionally lost her parents. I was very grateful to this person, as she made me re-focus on the most important thing in my life. This was despite my suffering and, at times, inability to deliver as a parent. I still had a child that was suffering, who needed parents present in a functioning family.
It was inconsequential how I felt; I needed to get on with it and provide this to my daughter—the same way my mother does now, and my father did till the moment he died. I should probably thank my grandparents for that.