Where Do Men Grieve?
I was recently reviewing the statistics on a Facebook group site for a charity that supports grieving families. What caught my attention was the demographic makeup of the audience. It was 90.5% women to 9.5% men. I did think more women would make up the audience but not at a 10:1 ratio. What has happened to all the fathers?
We do know that in Australia, the data would suggest that there should be a bias towards women are more likely to be the sole carer for a child. That said, 82% of families are mum and dad couples. As most children have a mother and father involved in their lives, we can assume that the loss of a child will be equally devastating to each parent. A good estimate would be that we should expect a ratio closer to 60% women to 40% men in this Facebook group supporting grieving parents.
There are other biases to consider with the formation of groups in social media space or the real world. For example, a motorcycle restoration Facebook site would expect to have a predominantly male audience. The reverse would be true for a hobby such as Pilates, which is associated more with females.
What are the differences?
When talking about men and women, we can get carried away with making generalisations. What we learn from looking at large populations of males and females, we can identify trends because there will be data there to support these ideas. Applying these large group trends to individuals can be fraught with danger, often for the individuals concerned. So, when I say men and women grieve differently, I am talking about looking at the larger group trends and not individuals.
You may have read about OCEAN or the Big Five Personality Traits. These are Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness and Neuroticism. We are all on a spectrum or dimensions of five major and very broad personality traits. For example, a very outgoing person who appears to enjoy being with and at the centre of a group would score high in extroversion. At the opposite end, a person who enjoyed their own company and being invited to a party as a bit of an issue would score lower on the extroversion dimension as they are more introverted. It is not a judgement on any individual but unfortunately, these ideas can sometimes morph into that once they enter the public lexicon.
The two dimensions on which men and women appear to be most different are Agreeableness and Neuroticism. Men score lower for both these traits. This means women tend to be more trusting, compassionate, and cooperative and to experience more anxiety, worry, and negative emotions. That is not to say at an individual level many men will be very agreeable. Likewise, at an individual level, many women are not particularly anxious or worry too deeply about most things.
Furthermore, another thing to consider is how we form groups. For many years I worked in a female-dominated profession and male-dominated environments at the same time. This gave me an insight into how the majority members of any group start to create a culture. In short, it may be harder for a man or woman to join a new group if the culture is dominated by the opposite sex. This may be compounded when a person is in the middle of a personal crisis.
Grieving may be different for men and women
Personality traits, influenced by our genetic makeup and life experiences, contribute to the development of varying coping mechanisms. While individuals differ in their coping strategies, research suggests some general trends in how men and women may cope with traumatic experiences, such as the loss of a child. It is equally devastating for both sexes. How and why this is different is not the point; it is what should we do about it? There is a 32% higher rate of mortality in bereaved parents when compared to the rest of the population. This figure indicates that both groups do need help.
Summary of some of the differences:
Men
Internalise emotions: Tend to keep their feelings to themselves and avoid talking about their grief.
Stay active: May try to cope by focusing on work, hobbies, or physical activity.
Take on responsibilities: Often assume a "protector" role and take on more tasks and responsibilities.
Women:
Express emotions: More likely to openly express their sadness, fear, and anger.
Seek support: Tend to reach out to friends, family, or support groups for emotional support.
Connect with others: May find comfort in sharing their feelings and experiences with others.
I cannot stress this enough: these are generalised trends for men and women. When I compare my wife and I, we both seem to have expressed our grief in line with the opposing sex . For example, I am writing a Substack about my grief which is the furthest thing away from how my wife would wish to express it.
Men and Grief
I am not a person who likes to prescribe to others how they should live their lives, never mind how they should grieve the loss of a child. As a society, the only guard rails we should put around this is when individuals are creating a risk to themselves or others. It would appear that men are more likely to go off the rails in terms of self-harm when grieving. There can be a tendency sometimes to insist men should grieve more like women do. This notion does not sit comfortably with me. Primarily, we cannot fight against our nature and genetic makeup. We can only use the tools that have been given to us. We must also accept that making someone behave in a certain way at a time of high duress will cause more harm than good. Finally, if you ask most parents who have lost children how they feel after several years they have generally arrived at the same position. This is one in which an individual has learned to live with the loss despite the amount of torment they live with daily. The journey may be different but it’s conclusion is the same.
Where do men go?
It is impossible to answer as it is perhaps the wrong question. They may not go any specific place in literal or mental terms. Rather they will wander around until they create a new life without their child. I imagine they will see relationships change, social circles be upended and even see radical changes to their professional life. Generally, men are less agreeable and as a result, when they are suffering, they will become much more so. What I have written is probably equally true for women.
The fact that women can organise themselves into groups for support is something to be encouraged if it helps them heal. If most men do not find this type of environment conducive, then hopefully they will be able to create more appropriate spaces. They may seek distraction through activities like sports or spending time with close friends who can understand their mood swings.
Hard to understand each other
When I first attended a peer-to-peer support meeting, it was attended by mostly women and a smaller number of men. The meeting progressed and at times people were emotional. At the end, the group exchanged farewells. There was some hugging and handshaking as certain barriers had come down. One gentleman refused these physical gestures. He was clearly in an inordinate amount of pain, as I was. At the time, I was so annoyed by this individual. In my head, he was playing to the stereotype of men don’t show their feelings. I was thinking — Your kid has just died, mate, and you are going to be humiliated by hugging another man. Good luck with all of that!
I don’t think I attended another group meeting. I am not condemning this man or my reaction. Upon reflection, I now understand he was in so much pain; getting him to the meeting was a miracle, never mind hugging complete strangers. From my perspective, I was not there to encourage other people to emote. I was drowning and needed to connect with similar people. The fact is we both loved our deceased children and families and the last place as disagreeable men we wanted to be was around other men being disagreeable. Both of us wanted something that the group could not provide at that moment in time. We certainly could not help each other.
Room to Roam
How you grieve will be affected by your sex, family upbringing, culture and any previous traumatic experiences. Hopefully, after several years, some peace and solace can be found to start the process of building your new life. Men may just need to wander around a bit to find this place.