Wisdom from an Experienced Grief Counsellor
Wisdom from an Experienced Grief Counsellor
When someone we love dies, knowing how to support those left behind can feel overwhelming. We may struggle with our own grief while also wanting to be there for others, especially children. That's why I've partnered with experienced grief counsellor Adrian Holmes to share some hard-won wisdom about navigating loss and supporting grieving families.
Adrian Holmes is an experienced counsellor based in Brisbane. Initially, he worked in the Human Services sector as a Social Worker supporting families at risk. From this, he saw a natural progression into counselling. As his career progressed, he specialised in supporting families going through life-changing events and took on various supervisory and training roles. Adrian is also a co-founder of the Tools For Hard Conversations organisation and has co-written a book with the same title. Adrian is currently the Course Coordinator for Postgraduate Programs at the Australian Institute of Counselling (AIPC) and is in the process of completing a PhD in Counselling at Queensland University of Technology (QUT).
Why this matters:
Adrian has dealt with many people grieving the loss of children and other family members. Often the people he meets have never spoken to a mental health professional and have landed in his office as they do not know what else to do. The conversations that occur between clients and counsellors are mostly unscripted interviews. Individuals like Adrian are conducting “unofficial” thematic analysis with their clients about grief and loss.
What is thematic analysis?
Imagine organising a messy cupboard – you would probably group similar items together. Thematic analysis does the same with words and ideas, revealing hidden meanings and simplifying complex information.
Many counsellors will identify themes in what their clients say – broadly common themes across their client base. I believe these themes are some of the hard-won wisdoms I often refer to in my Substack. When I asked Adrian if he had any thoughts on this, he had already collated a sheet for his clients several years ago. He was happy to contribute this to my Substack. I have included the information as part of this post below and added a downloaded link to the original document.
Supporting Your Family After a Loss -
Everyone Responds Differently
You might feel concerned that someone you care about is not responding in the immediate time after the loss in a way that you would hope or expect for them. The most important thing to know about a big life-changing experience is that everyone responds differently. Sometimes checking in with the person, or exploring your concerns with a professional, can help you allay any fears and feel more sure that their response is normal.
Everyone Grieves Differently
Like the many different immediate responses, how people grieve also varies hugely among different families and individuals. For example, adults often think that kids should be having a certain response and get concerned when they seem normal or don’t want to talk a lot about the loss. This is more often than not because adults and kids have very different ideas about what grief is meant to look like. Adults have a whole lifetime of ideas around what grief should feel like, but kids don’t. Try to support the person to grieve however they need to (as long as they’re not hurting themselves or someone else) and make sure they know that you are there for them when they want to talk or process.
Distraction Is Ok
One of the most common ways that people deal with loss is by finding ways to distract themselves. This can sometimes lead to feeling guilty or unsure if this is what they should be doing. Encourage the person to explore any ways of coping that work for them but monitor it and talk about it as time passes to make sure they are comfortable with how they are processing. There are no right or wrong ways to cope, and distraction can be a really helpful way to have something else to think about, even for a short time.
Look After The Basics
When a loss happens, often the first things to go out the window are those you and your family need most - sleep, food, activity, other people. Without sleep, food and activity, you will surely feel more depleted and less able to cope and process in a helpful way. Isolating yourself from your support networks can also be troublesome. When you are in a good place you need all these things to stay strong - when you’re struggling you need them even more.
Time Helps
It might feel overwhelming and like you will never be able to ‘get over’ the loss, but this is not what the goal should be. Putting one foot in front of the other and taking each day as it comes is not only necessary, but more often than not the only way that you will start to get some perspective and feel like you can manage the gravity of the loss. It’s a cliche, but time really does help. Give yourself permission to have the space and time to grieve and process and you will find that with time it starts to shift and change.
They Are Called ‘Life-Changing Experiences’ For A Reason
This one might be a little controversial, but we see it time after time in our work. People fight the changes they might experience after a loss, but loss is considered a life-changing experience for a reason - because it will most probably change your life. You probably even want it to - out of respect and love for the person you have lost, and so that you can honour and remember them. Don’t fight how it might change you; go with it and allow yourself to process however you want to. You’re in charge of how you want this to be a life-changing experience for you.
© Adrian Holmes
