Find Your Tribe
Several years ago, I attended a ceremony at the Children's Hospital in Queensland. This was for families whose children had died within the hospital system. The ceremony was organised by the social work department of the hospital. It featured several speakers, including members of families whose child or sibling had died. It culminated with images of the deceased children being shown, and families were invited to light a candle and add it to a tree statue in memory of their loved ones. The team who organised the ceremony had the difficult task of being all things to all people, but they managed to create a quasi-religious ceremony that was inclusive and tasteful. The speakers both spoke well and from the heart, one of whom I have previously discussed in the article “Ultimately... A Family Must Share Everything”. Once the speakers had finished, the ceremony started, our son’s image was shown along with the other children, and we lit the candle and placed it on the tree along with many others. When the ceremony was over, we left the hospital, and I swore I would never attend the ceremony again. In my description of the ceremony, I missed out some important details about the behaviour of some of the individuals in attendance.
Expectations
I feel before I go on, I need to clarify that I do believe that grieving families supporting each other, whether conducted formally or informally, can prove to be incredibly useful in navigating their grief. I hope as you read on, you will appreciate that this is like most complicated things in life is nuanced and never simple as it initially appears.
We all have expectations of others and ourselves. Often, these expectations are met and exceeded. Think about how many times in the last 24 hours you have interacted with people in various settings. I imagine most of them went unnoticed. It could be the “hello” and “thank you” in the café where you buy a coffee in the morning. The twenty people at your staff meeting all turning up roughly on time to the same place and quietly listening to what management has to say before going back to work. You may have even ordered some building materials from a supplier that involved some playful banter before carrying on with your day.
Most of us behave in a way as not to cause surprises to other people and will even insert some playful behaviour in the form of a joke or facial gesture to elicit a smile from others we are with. We are social creatures, and we like predictability with a few pleasant surprises. It makes us all feel safe and secure. These behaviours are cultural and do differ slightly depending on which part of the world you are from. That said, most of us, most of the time, will be behaving in a quite predictable manner.
Where we can come afoul is during formal occasions. The code for behaviour becomes much more rigid, and we are expected to demonstrate this publicly. These formal expectations can induce a certain level of tension in all of us. Think about the weddings, funerals, and other ceremonies you have attended, how jarring it can be when others “break” these behavioural expectations that we all agree to.
Dress Codes
The weather in Queensland is sub-tropical, and generally, people choose a more comfortable style of clothing. Literally every formal event I have ever attended in Queensland, the dress code is smart casual. For men, this means shirt and trousers, and for women, a dress or blouse and skirt/trousers. In short, it would be to dress a bit more smartly than you would normally do to recognise the occasion.
Back to the Ceremony
Many people who attended the ceremony at the hospital that day came to remember their deceased child, sibling, or grandchild, and as a result, it was going to be an emotional day. This heightened the tension for all concerned. When I initially walked into the large room of the service, I saw some of the people in attendance. The way they were dressed made me think I had perhaps gone to the wrong room. I would say that some indivdiuals had not gone to much effort would be an understatement. My critique of what people were wearing does have the potential to make me sound like a snob. In my defence, I do come from a very ordinary background, but I was always expected to take a certain level of pride in my appearance on formal occasions. With this, I know I carry certain cultural conventions that are hard to shake off.
As the ceremony started, people turned up late with takeaway coffee cups in hand. I noticed that they had time to get a coffee, so I imagine they could have been on time for the ceremony. I also had to question who thinks a takeaway coffee is a must at a poignant ceremony remembering dead children, including possibly your own child? Clearly, there were people who felt this. This is not the only occassion I have seen the takeaway coffee conundrum play out. I went to support a family in the supreme court who had been victims of a very serious crime . Certain family members were surprised when the court officers stopped them from sitting in court with a takeaway coffee. They will be bringing their dogs in next (see the article “Our Dogs Are Not Our Children”). I am not a particularly religious person, but I was brought up Catholic. This has primed me culturally to recognise a ceremony and know when not to talk and keep all beverages, except the blood of Christ, until after I have left the ceremony.
Major Disappointment
I think the most disappointing behaviour I witnessed was during the section in which they showed the deceased children’s images. Many families reacted as you might expect. They waited with anticipation until their loved one appeared, and there was a reaction once they did. This ranged from movements of comforting each other to the suppression of tears and crying. There was a significant minority of families who reacted this way, and once their loved one had been shown, decided it was a good time to have a little chat about the day. This meant that the room went from silence when the first child’s picture was shown to an audible sound of chatting once the last child’s image had been shown. If it was the sound of crying growing louder, I could have respected that, but this was something else.
The final insult was a mobile phone going off as the ceremony was being concluded. I am guessing by the man’s age he was someone’s grandparent….old enough to know better. Like with most ceremonies or shows these days, mobile phones are asked to be placed on silent. I can imagine on an emotional day that someone may have forgotten to turn their phone off or place it on silent. Instead of silencing the phone, the man answered, his quiet voice was another jarring intrusion. I was furious after everything else that had gone on and looked him in the eyes and mouthed “for fuck’s sake” whilst shaking my head. In doing so, I had let myself down by being so insulted by the behaviours I had witnessed. People had fallen below my expectations, and I had lost focus on what the day was about.
Who is in my tribe?
This event was in the initial stages of my grief. At the time, there is a certain level of desperation to find people you can connect with who can understand your loss. I had wrongly had the expectation that a room full of grieving parents would be able to behave in such a way to demonstrate they understood and appreciated the gravity of their shared losses. I was wrong, and what’s more, being around some of the individuals was making me lose focus on what was important.
Most of the people there behaved in a way that was respectful to everyone’s shared loss. However, there were too many who were hindering this process. Remember, everyone there had suffered the loss of a child. Many of us who can respect the event expected more from this errant group. If they do not understand the importance of formally remembering our deceased children, then who will?
Finding your tribe
At the event, there were people who exceeded my expectations, and these are the ones you need to make part of your tribe. One of the speakers had worked very hard to change the leave allocation for government employees who had lost a child in honour of his daughter. Another woman who attended had been extremely kind to my family as her son had died of a very similar condition to my son. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, the people who had organised the event who, despite not losing a child, genuinely empathised with those who had. These are the unexpected people who you will need in your tribe if you want to get through the next several years after a terrible loss.
Your tribe may be hiding in plain sight or in the most unexpected areas of your life. Once you have identified them, keep them close and cherish these people. They make a difference. Do not focus on the individuals that fall below your reasonable expectations. These can be family, friends, mental health professionals, and even other parents who have lost a child. They are not your tribe… so find your tribe!
Victoria, I've learned that holding onto unrealistic expectations when you're vulnerable sets you up for much deeper disappointment, and can even lead to despondency. While I appreciated the hospital's effort in organising the ceremony, I likely placed too much faith in its potential. I assumed everyone would experience it as profoundly as I did. Perhaps now, with more experience, I'd approach such an event with greater composure.
Thanks for sharing this David - I started with Wow, awww the fact that the social work department of the hospital organised the ceremony really impressed me, but then UGHHHH.
I appreciate what you've said. For me, Grief and caregiving have changed several relationships. I'm relieved I'm connected with other caregivers and former caregivers.