David, thank you for sharing your experience and insights. Although our grief story is different (as is everyone's, of course) I relate to so many of the excellent points you make here. This line in particular really spoke to me: "There is no magic formula to what to say or how to act". This is absolutely true and I've found is often the thing that deters people from trying at all. They're too afraid of saying the wrong thing or messing up. Which lets be honest, most people will. What people need to understand is that supporting someone who's grieving is not about getting it right. It's about SHOWING UP. And doing so consistently, with love and compassion in your heart.
Ruhie thank you for your comments. There are common themes in how we would all like to be treated at the most difficult times in our lives. Unless we share this information how will people know?
Love this and you make excellent suggestions. When I lost my only child Rhys at 20 years from. A brain tumour in 2021 I was heartbroken but also grateful I had 6 months from diagnosis to death ... as hard as that was a with my husband and his "Narsastic" new wife ... haven't even been able to speak to ex husband as I attempted but heard her yelling n phone went dead. We'd been together for close to 30 years. I often. Wonder how he's travelling with his grief. My biggest assistance was people continuing to use his name to keep his memory alive. Finding the Compassionate Friends Queensland on a Google search for grief support as I wasn't sleeping was fantastic. Cried for two hours as I heard other circumstances n shares my own. This was early 2022 and still going. It's a comfortable safe space to chat ... cry ... get angry and share some laughs to and learn from each other whether it be one month in or years. People/friends/ family just showing up with a meal ... or if the parents have other children ... just saying look I'll pick up blah blah from school today n drop them back after we've gone for a play in the park. DOING is the best thing ... not offering with a question as the grieving parent won't want f to put you out. With grief for me does come joy ... yup n despair ... but I'm learning to walk with the journey n be kind to myself when the grief waves n they do keep on rolling in ... but somehow I swim or "dog paddle" through. It's tough being a Vilomah ... not the natural order of life. And people talking to bereaved should NEVER EVER say well at least they are in a better place if they had a medical or mental health) issue. That is UNKIND. The love for a child never fades.
Kimitee I am sorry for your loss. For this article I was I totally focusing on the intial contact. Some friends had spoken to me about it recently. That said, I totally agree with ongoing support. It is something I plan to write about in the future. Take care and thanks for reading the article and sharing your feedback.
Kimitee no apology required. What you have raised is very important. Recently people have been talking to me more about the articles. It is helping me and giving me ideas. Feel free to comment on what I write it will ultimately improve what I do.
I think there is great value in exploring this topic. Most of us will be faced with having to make contact/speak with another person who has met with tragedy or shocking news. I can remember googling helplessly to see if there was any guidance on my way to a first meeting with friend/colleague diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in her thirties. My stomach was churning, I was trying to compose myself so as not to be a blubbering wreck. Everything I could think of sounded pathetic, not enough.
Shereen, thank you for your comment. I think it's the fact that you made a sincere effort that is the most important thing. At the time, the people at the centre of the tragedy probably don't know how to react when concerned friends make initial contact. They have no playbook, like the person who is attempting to comfort them. For me personally, I appreciated the effort being made and I couldn't accept people ignoring the situation.
David, thank you for sharing your experience and insights. Although our grief story is different (as is everyone's, of course) I relate to so many of the excellent points you make here. This line in particular really spoke to me: "There is no magic formula to what to say or how to act". This is absolutely true and I've found is often the thing that deters people from trying at all. They're too afraid of saying the wrong thing or messing up. Which lets be honest, most people will. What people need to understand is that supporting someone who's grieving is not about getting it right. It's about SHOWING UP. And doing so consistently, with love and compassion in your heart.
Ruhie thank you for your comments. There are common themes in how we would all like to be treated at the most difficult times in our lives. Unless we share this information how will people know?
So true! We can only change the narrative, expectations and conversation around grief by having more conversations
Love this and you make excellent suggestions. When I lost my only child Rhys at 20 years from. A brain tumour in 2021 I was heartbroken but also grateful I had 6 months from diagnosis to death ... as hard as that was a with my husband and his "Narsastic" new wife ... haven't even been able to speak to ex husband as I attempted but heard her yelling n phone went dead. We'd been together for close to 30 years. I often. Wonder how he's travelling with his grief. My biggest assistance was people continuing to use his name to keep his memory alive. Finding the Compassionate Friends Queensland on a Google search for grief support as I wasn't sleeping was fantastic. Cried for two hours as I heard other circumstances n shares my own. This was early 2022 and still going. It's a comfortable safe space to chat ... cry ... get angry and share some laughs to and learn from each other whether it be one month in or years. People/friends/ family just showing up with a meal ... or if the parents have other children ... just saying look I'll pick up blah blah from school today n drop them back after we've gone for a play in the park. DOING is the best thing ... not offering with a question as the grieving parent won't want f to put you out. With grief for me does come joy ... yup n despair ... but I'm learning to walk with the journey n be kind to myself when the grief waves n they do keep on rolling in ... but somehow I swim or "dog paddle" through. It's tough being a Vilomah ... not the natural order of life. And people talking to bereaved should NEVER EVER say well at least they are in a better place if they had a medical or mental health) issue. That is UNKIND. The love for a child never fades.
Kimitee I am sorry for your loss. For this article I was I totally focusing on the intial contact. Some friends had spoken to me about it recently. That said, I totally agree with ongoing support. It is something I plan to write about in the future. Take care and thanks for reading the article and sharing your feedback.
Kimitee no apology required. What you have raised is very important. Recently people have been talking to me more about the articles. It is helping me and giving me ideas. Feel free to comment on what I write it will ultimately improve what I do.
I think there is great value in exploring this topic. Most of us will be faced with having to make contact/speak with another person who has met with tragedy or shocking news. I can remember googling helplessly to see if there was any guidance on my way to a first meeting with friend/colleague diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in her thirties. My stomach was churning, I was trying to compose myself so as not to be a blubbering wreck. Everything I could think of sounded pathetic, not enough.
I
Shereen, thank you for your comment. I think it's the fact that you made a sincere effort that is the most important thing. At the time, the people at the centre of the tragedy probably don't know how to react when concerned friends make initial contact. They have no playbook, like the person who is attempting to comfort them. For me personally, I appreciated the effort being made and I couldn't accept people ignoring the situation.