The Expectations We Place On Others
I have been thinking about the expectations we place on each other, particularly in times of tragedy. We can all fall victim to the delusion that there's a single moral path that every person should easily follow. That would guide their behaviour in such a way as to make every situation better. Are these expectations we place on each other fair? I do think that there are situations in which we should assume certain standards from each other. In the article Find Your Tribe gave the example of a remembrance ceremony in which I was hugely disappointed with people’s behaviour. Anyone reading the article may be inclined to take issue with some of my moralising, but I imagine most people would recognise the negative behaviour that was on display.
I was thinking about the time that I placed expectations on individuals and institutions that were naïve and, upon reflection, ridiculous. I am writing this article almost as an open apology to one of the most famous philosophers of our time, who had unfairly earned my ire for a short period.
What is the point?
After losing a child, you almost expect the pain and sadness. What is not expected is the removal of meaning from your life. Every decision or interaction goes through a filter that asks the question, ‘What is the point of this?’ This can become exhausting. Sometimes you will be doing things just to alleviate the pain or as a temporary distraction from your misery. These activities are quickly exhausted, and then you are left to find reasons to do other things. Anything that requires some sort of future planning becomes difficult. This can include simple things like what to eat that week, to managing careers, friendships, and finances. All actions are now pushed through a paradigm of 'Why should I care?', 'What is the point?', etc. There is a numbness to the importance of things. You have, in essence, lost much of the meaning in your life that motivates most of your actions.
Take the issue of money. Most of us do not have to think about it as something that is important and the need to attend to it. It is important because it allows us to do the things we want to do and to look after our families. Caring about financial security is taken as a given. I have never been overly obsessed with money, but in the years afterwards, most of the time I did not care. I have heard of numerous families who have made terrible financial decisions in times of tragedy. This has compounded their problems in the aftermath of a terrible event. It was only down to a certain amount of luck that my family did not suffer in the same way.
The whole thing comes down to a loss of meaning, something akin to what is sometimes described as soul death. I discussed the book ‘Man's Search for Meaning’ in this article. The book is still very successful 60 years after it was published. The idea of meaning is probably why the author’s (Frankl) work resonates so much with people. The trauma of World War 2 must have led to many struggling to make sense of a world that had been devastated and changed radically. Often, many families were coping with sudden losses of their loved ones.
A.C. Grayling
A.C. Grayling is a British philosopher and author who's become a significant voice in contemporary thought. He is known for writing books that take complex philosophical ideas and make them accessible to the broader public. He covers topics from ethics to the history of philosophy. Essentially, he is a prominent intellectual who engages with current issues through a philosophical lens. You may have seen him commenting on popular issues in the media.
In 2017, Grayling took part in a book signing tour in Australia to promote his book ‘Democracy and Its Crisis.’ I decided to attend the event. During this period, there was a renaissance in people attending public lectures, which was fuelled by social media (not everything social media influences is negative). Ironically, Grayling did discuss in this short lecture how social media was being utilised more in western democracies to influence voters (back to the negative influences of social media again). After the lecture and questions, the audience had the opportunity to get their book signed by the author. I purchased a book and waited in a long line to have it signed.
When my turn approached, I asked Grayling could he direct me to anything good on the philosophy of grief and death. The jet-lagged author signed my book and directed me towards his book, ‘The Meaning of Things’, which I had read. I told him it did not really help; did he have anything else? As the queue grew in length, Grayling had to quickly work out how upset I was, whom I might be grieving, and probably how erratic I might become if he gave me the wrong answer. In the end, I think he suggested I should do some research on the internet. I was expecting much more and, was left at the end of the evening annoyed that this famous philosopher. Why he could he not whip up a couple of sentences off the top of his head that could offer me some comfort in my darkest hour?
Time changes our perspectives.
I have told this story over the years, and as time has progressed, when I repeat the story, I have been forced to reflect on how my delivery of it has changed. The first few times, I was clearly annoyed recanting the tale….until eventually, after repeating it several times….I was laughing at myself. In my naivety and desperation, I wanted answers from anywhere. I wanted to find something that could allow me to re-engage with a world that lacked meaning. Why I thought a jet-lagged man trying to sign hundreds of books, who did not know me or my situation, would be able to conjure up an answer now seems quite comical.
Philosophy
Philosophy, at its core, is the pursuit of wisdom. I often said that one of the reasons I created this Substack was to allow a space for the sharing of hard-won wisdom. Academics spend much of their lives studying a huge amount of material in the hope of developing new ideas and developing insights for the broader society. Hence, we create universities as spaces to allow this to occur. As individuals, it is incumbent upon me to find my own wisdom and, more importantly, my meaning in life. This is an ongoing battle for all humans as we face the various tragedies we know we will have to. If we are lucky, we may manage to read something that may help a little. We must be prepared to take our own journey and to get lost, whilst taking numerous wrong turns. Nobody should be expected to have written the perfect guide to make this journey easy and without mistakes.
What should we expect from each other?
The issue of what I should expect from other people has always bothered me. After losing a child, we will find many facets of our life challenging. What should I expect from other people, and is it reasonable? This is something that will warrant more space than I have to write about in this article. I am curious, though, after being involved with charities, research, and public policy on bereavement support, what is reasonable to expect.
We do live in societies that have come to expect more support and understanding in areas that only a few generations ago would have seemed unreasonable. I think we have in some ways developed a slightly more understanding society, but in other ways, we have become quite self-centred. There are huge discrepancies in how certain issues are treated when compared to others. I have also discussed the idea of concept creep , which shows that our understanding of concepts changes in ways we do not realise. I do think it is a challenge for everyone to come up with reasonable expectations from their family, friends, and our broader society.
Over the next few years, I anticipate apologising to people I have subjected to standards that are ill-defined and difficult to live up to. Meeting these expectations would be difficult for people who know me to meet, let alone complete strangers.