When To Share....And When Not To Share
When to share and when not to share
I migrated to Australia over 22 years ago and try to return regularly to visit family. Over time you start to lose contact with extended family and friends. Some of this process was hastened after my son passed away. Now, when I return, I have a slight trepidation about bumping into people I have not seen. When they ask me how I have been……how much should I share and what should I not say? Sometimes these conversations are difficult, while others have been pleasant and had unpredictable outcomes. One such encounter occurred on a recent trip back to the UK when I was visiting family.
A sort of homecoming
I met my wife in the city of Sheffield in the UK. Both my children were born there. For my wife it is certainly home, and I now have family who live there. I have sometimes seen people when I move around the city on previous visits, but this has occurred less and less, the longer I have been living away.
I took my mother to some outlet stores in a place called Doncaster. As a dutiful son, I drove about 40 minutes to the outskirts of the town, and my mother wandered around the various stores as I took off to look around. I saw people milling about at what looked like an outside broadcast for BBC Sheffield. Many parts of the UK have a local station run by the BBC. These focus on local events and news. It looked like BBC Sheffield had decided to come to Doncaster.
Friends in the media
My wife has a friend called Paulette who she has known for decades. Since we left the UK, Paulette has risen through the ranks of BBC Sheffield to host her own show. I immediately recognised her conducting interviews with members of the public. I spoke to one of the production team and asked if I could talk to her. As soon as she saw me, she gave me a big hug and asked me how I was doing. I had not seen her since before my son died.
Paulette likes to get straight to the point. She immediately asked after me, wanted to know how I was doing, and acknowledged it had been a terrible time for me. I was not quite sure if she was live on air or recording sections for her show to be broadcast later. She informed me she was broadcasting, and would I mind talking to her once the break was over.
Male and female friends
This is an observation and not a judgment. My wife's female friends have read and shown an interest in my Substack. Most of my male friends have not. I think this highlights a difference between men and women. As I have discussed in the article “Where Do Men Grieve?” men and women appear to grieve differently. I think most men tend not to like to share too much or have others…particularly other men….share too much with them. I have had a recent exchange with other writers on Substack who deal in similar topics to me. These writers are all female. One of these individuals has noted that hardly any men are writing about the subject of grief. This I imagine is not a surprise to most people nor should it be viewed as a “stick” to beat men with.
I am perfectly comfortable with anyone not wishing to share information with people they do not know particularly well. It is interesting to me that we can determine certain trends and differences within large groups of males and females. This allows us to make generalisations supported with evidence. What is prehaps more interesting are the individuals that buck any group trend.
Live on air
Paulette has subscribed to the Beyond the Expected Substack and had taken an interest in what I have written. She asked me if it was okay to talk about the Substack and my son. Putting me on the spot was the best thing to do. I knew Paulette would be sensitive with her approach but would want me to share on her radio show. The reason why I wrote this Substack was to hopefully get some useful information to people that needed it. I also believe in what I was writing, and it was my honest point of view and thoughts on a serious matter, of which I have had personal experience. She was inviting me to back up my convictions live on air in a 5 min conversation. If I had thought about it, I would probably never have done it or over-prepared and made a bit of a hash of it all. I did the interview, and I spoke about my son and what killed him and the reasons why I was writing the Substack. Once the interview was over, I went on with my day slightly bemused by what had happened.
Sharing
Sharing is often presented as a binary topic i.e. it is good to share, and it is bad not to share. Like most things in life everything must be placed in context. Probably these days, society seems to accept and expect a certain level of sharing that 50 years ago would have been seen almost taboo. Sharing things publicly is not the same as sharing with a close friend or a professional. For some people the threshold for doing any sharing is much higher than others. At times this threshold is so high it is detrimental to the individual involved. There must be an assessment of risk and reward that has to occur before certain information is shared.
Sharing: The risks
Sharing information about emotional topics in our lives can open us up to ridicule and judgment. Taking the example of a divorce, people often want to know how it was instigated and ultimately whether they believe a couple should divorce. Basically, they want to judge the situation. I imagine anyone reading this who has been through a divorce may have experienced this judgment on their failed relationship.
Once you have bad news to share people start to speculate on it. Insensitive people carry out this process with the person sharing the bad news. I think the peak of this speculation is with suicide. Everyone understandably wants to know why a person would want to take their own life. Unnecessary speculation conducted in public from others can have a devastating effect on a family at the centre of the tragedy.
With very serious matters, ridicule is often only offered to famous people or individuals who have unwittingly become the centre of the news cycle (see this article). I am sure we have all said unpleasant things or laughed about the demise of a famous individual without giving it a second thought. It must be horrible for family members to see a loved one’s tragedy mercilessly trivialised in the media.
Sharing: The rewards
Sharing about deeply emotional topics can be cathartic for the individual sharing and act as an epiphany for others who are suffering in silence. A good example of this is when people share unusual phobias. A person may suffer in silence with a strange fear of buttons called koumpounophobia (a real condition). They may watch a celebrity they like discuss a similar phobia and decide that it is okay for them to be no longer embarrassed and seek support for their condition. Both sufferers have gained something through the process of sharing.
Sometimes comfort can be drawn from knowing that others may be suffering like you. You are not alone, and you are not being singled out by the universe for misfortune.
Who you share with
Whether it is good news or bad news an individual is sharing, they cannot guarantee how it is going to be received. Sometimes it is appropriate to share information with certain individuals and not with others. Who and when you share things with is not an exact science. Often people who share excessively will have to learn to spot their audience or risk being hurt or shunned. For people who find it difficult to share they may miss opportunities to unburden themselves or be deeply hurt if they develop the courage in a unguarded moment to share emotions and find this is rejected or dismissed too easily.
Risk versus rewards
In reference to my sharing on live radio the risks for me were abated due to the fact I do not live in Sheffield anymore and as it was radio not having to look at the audience I was talking to. The rewards where I felt slightly more legitimate in what I was doing with my Substack and maybe a recognition that my son’s death is the event that has defined me as a person for the last 10 years. I should have ownership over this and be the one that explains how it has affected my family and I.
Do we share too much?
Initially after any tragedy we may feel compelled to share our story. Hopefully there will be enough well-meaning people around us to give us the opportunity to do this. From time to time, we may tell our stories and realise that the person with whom we have shared is overwhelmed and has no idea how to respond. Sometimes people are just not interested or do not care (see this article). This can be a very unpleasant experience for anyone who has a sad story to tell, however the sooner they can accept this the better. As time progresses it is incumbent on the person sharing their story to recognise who they can share this story with….when they should share their story….and to appreciate the people who will listen their story. They can be too few in numbers at times, but they are out there and ready for you to share.
My interview with BBC Radio Sheffield
Sometimes not having time to think and over prepare can be helpful. I will let you be the judge.
Victoria, I agree that writing has helped bring some order to my reflections on my experience. There are some subjects that are very raw and too personal to share. I also think some scenarios we find ourselves in life are so disturbing that it's a bit unfair to share them with others. I agree that my internal barometer seems to be better calibrated, though it does have some off days.
Thank you, David. I’m deeply sorry for your loss. I read your post and then listened to your interview. You did well. You were clear and articulate and you sounded strong. Like you, I am writing to attempt to bring some good out of terrible loss. Hearing the strength in your voice gives me hope that it’s worth the effort. May your writing bring peace to you and solace and help to your readers.